You need to douche – It’s A part of gay life

All gay people are familiar with douching and know what it means. It means what, douche until the water becomes clear. Only then will you know if you’re bottom ready. For “breeders” this can seem a bit crude, but for us – especially my bottom gays- it is a way of life. A tenet by which we must live by to avoid a crappy situation. Literally!

This statement has a meaning much more profound than it seems. For many gay people, their sexual role serves as their gay identity. Straight people don’t need to worry about this as much as gay people do, their roles are usually pretty clear.

The ones with the holes are the receivers and the ones with the poles are the givers. 

Why does gay culture exist?

Roman men were free to enjoy sex with other males without a perceived loss of masculinity or social status.

For us, the gay population, mainstream culture (heteronormative habits) can be bland and boring. However, many people lack understanding of why it seems so lame to us. Let’s be clear, there are some homosexuals who are not culturally gay. I’m not referring to a man who has sex with men, rather someone who embraces our lifestyle and identifies as culturally gay. 

Before we can even think about explaining this to someone straight, we need to help them understand what it is. This is is how the majority of people act and their customs. Gay subcultures form within our community because we are the minority worldwide. 

If we look at societies around the world we can see big differences in Chinese, American, Mexican and any other countries. Each of these places are unique and it affects the foods people eat, their clothing styles and even the way they speak and interact. People understand this well, but why do they struggle to understand ours?

This is nonsense and demonstrates ignorance. We just need to help people recognize that as gays our culture exists because in every society around the world we are viewed as different. We have developed our own ways of speaking, interacting, and have our own values.

Gay values

So let me be frank here, gay culture is nasty. It’s rude, crude and sometimes a bit too much for breeders to handle. 

Living in the 20th century you would think that seeing a gay couple kissing on tv would not be a huge deal. Yet, when Lil Nas X decided to make out with two men on TV the FCC lost their minds. Gay subcultures exist for a reason – our society is as diverse as that of our hetero counterparts. 

Gay customs have a lot of rich history with cruising. A lot of cultural practices that we have are about sex. Straight people throughout the centuries have in essence forced us to find ways to meet. It’s not like this in all countries, though. In many parts of Europe there are places that accept us and give us safe spaces. 

France and Spain are great examples and they offer many excellent cruising places. They keep us safe and allow us to have fun with like minded people. Places like the ones below exemplify our way of life and has its roots in our history. Just be aware that not all places in Europe are as open – Hungary is currently experiencing hardships!

America

Club Cumming in New York has a quasiqueer atmosphere that will make for a perfect night out!

Berlin in Chicago’s Boystown is a must-go hotspot for an 80’s vibe – perhaps you’ll get a faint scent of poppers. 

Eagle bar in Houston is undoubtedly the best place to grab a drink and experience some bear culture. 

Europe

Le next Cruising bar in Paris is top notch. it a great place to grab a drink and cruise for some fun!

Berlin Dark in Barcelona is an excellently designed Fetish cruising club. It’s full of culture! 

Eagle Manchester is our favorite pick for the UK. The top portion is lovely and light, and the bottom floor is dark and they sell excellent poppers. 

Asia

Silom Soi 4 in Bangkok Thailand is an excellent place to get a drink! It’s a street full of gay bars!

Taipei I/O has a great hattenba experience! It’s a great way to experience authentic Taiwanese LGBT lifestyles. 

South America

Club 69 in Buenos Aires is a complete experience with live music and even a darkroom. 

Experience the gay lifestyle

If you want to experience LGBT culture to the core, visit a European country, see a drag show, or go cruising – just be safe! Also, remember, just because a place is targeted at the gay community doesn’t mean that it will be for the gays.

Stay safe and have a gay day!


Bear Culture, its flag, and its beginnings

If you are gay, or just curious about bear culture and the community and would like to know more about it, then this blog post is for you. In this article, we’ll be talking all about this culture and its history in the LGBTQ leather scene.

Let’s start with some gay slang words, which often need explaining to the non-gays that you will encounter and speak to. We use these terms in a gay setting across all gay subcultures to some extent. So knowing them will help you better understand this article and encounters you may have with gay people. These are very relevant to the bear movement as they play a huge role in learning how we communicate with each other and how we partake in activities.

Gay Slang Dictionary 

  • Trade – casual partner of a gay man, or a hot man that you want to have sex with
  • Bear – a person who identifies as a member of the scene
  • Otter – thin and hairy men who identify with the community
  • Chaser – a person who seeks explicitly romantic relations with hairy trade. Chaser is used loosely amongst many subcultures of the gay community. We use it to describe someone who looks expressly for a certain type of person
  • Cub – a younger, often slimmer, and less hairy person who identifies with this subculture within the gay community
  • Wolf – a lean, muscular, and hairy man 
  • Bearspeak – jargon used amongst members of the community
  • Smooth – a person who is not hairy. We use this within all gay subcultures, and anyone gay should know this word and its connotations
  • Chub – overweight or obese gay man who identifies with the community or as part of chub culture. Chubs have some similarities in that they are heavyset, but they are not the same as bears

How did this LGBT subculture start?

A subculture, by definition, is a culture within a culture. That is simple enough to understand. However, gay subcultures have developed throughout our history, and many of them overlap each other. The most prominent overlap within a bear subculture setting is with the leather community, although they are distinct. It leaves us wondering how this culture developed and how it all began.

In 1987, Richard Bulger and Chris Nelson created and published the first BEAR magazine in San Francisco. At the time, no other magazines dedicated themselves solely to Bears. Men who are hairy, husky, or chasers of this male form.

They didn’t know they would create a whole subculture within the factions of the gay community. According to Dr. Les K. Wright, this culture was not a fad that would disappear anytime soon. His experience in the community is evident. He is a previous editor of “The Bear Book” and “The Bear Book II

A new kind of masculinity emerged in other places of the USA, too. It was present in Chicago, for example. John Burkle came out in the late 1970s in Chicago. He frequented leather bars where he would often be harassed about his weight. Finally, he found a home in Chicago’s leather bar scene. He slowly started to build a community of like-minded hairy gay men to create one of the largest events annually for this community.

Both communities developed simultaneously in opposing sides of the USA, and both were host to similar struggles that rampaged the gay community as a result of HIV and AIDS.

What is a gay bear?

This isn’t easy to define. Since the rise of the internet, you can find an amalgamation of ideas that explain what it means to be a part of bear culture.

Some people think it’s the physical attributes of this subculture. Things like being hairy, or having a belly and beard. However, other people seem to think it is more inclusive of adopting the attitude of gay bears around the globe.

Laid-back, approachable, and easy to talk to – a stark change to some other gay subcultures, specifically drag culture and circuit gays, both of which can come across as pretentious and arrogant.

Since its inception, the community has become more accepting of various body types, which means there is more inclusivity, yet at the same time more discrimination.

Sometimes gay wolves and otters can decide that they do not want to include husky, hairy, older men at events or bars. As a result, this is not the best way to define them. 

We can better define this area of gay culture by the community’s rugged and masculine expression. This is irrefutable gender expression amongst members of the community. Although members of this community tend to be middle class and affluent, they often choose to emulate blue-collar workers.

You should always ask self-identifying bears about their bear identity. Who knows, they may say because they love muscle bears or the bear lifestyle. 

Age Is Common Ground for bear culture

Ron Suresha, the author of “Bear on Bear”, has defined maturity as a common factor for identifying as a member of this community. This can be seen in his poems and literature anthologies about his culture.

This is very different from the fetishization of fatness that could easily have been argued to be the fundamental element of this culture when it was still developing from within leather culture. However, with the rise of other gay slang terms to describe other members within this community, it’s far-reaching to assume that this is the sole reason for the development of this subculture.

Like all subcultures, this developed out of the need to feel welcome and included. 

Access to society is the reason this culture exists. This is such a vital part of any gay subculture that bear culture now has a pride flag, and its creation is vastly different from the rainbow pride flag that we all know of.

What is the Bear flag, and who invented it?

The flag was created in response to the emerging subset of the LGBT bear culture specifically for bisexual and gay men to show that they belong to this culture-specific identity.

Craig Byrnes created the Brotherhood flag in 1995. The bear flag was designed with inclusion in mind, so it has a bear paw on the left side of the gay pride rainbow to show that they are a part of this community, and not an exclusion from gay culture. This culture takes pride in celebrating secondary characteristics of their look and place importance on body hair and facial hair.

bear pride flag with bear claw

That’s all for this edition of your dose of LBGTQ culture and gay slang terms. We hope you enjoyed learning about this subculture. If you enjoyed this, come back soon because we will discuss and explain all LGBTQ subcultures in-depth and provide a gay slang dictionary of terms used within them in our lifestyles area.

Until next time, have a gay day!


LGBT Pronouns: A guide and why they matter

The LGBTQ+ community faces many struggles, and one of the most pressing is how to refer to someone who identifies as something other than male or female. LGBT pronouns make people feel welcome so we should use them correctly.

The first thing we need to do is understand why pronouns are important. To respect someone’s gender identity, you must be use their Correct pronouns because using wrong pronouns hurts feelings, and nobody wants to do that.

We use pronouns in place of nouns when referring to people–they help fill a void created by not using someone’s name. But, when it comes down to it, you’re either respecting pronouns or misgendering people; there isn’t an in-between option here!

Pronouns exist in every language, not just English. Keep reading so you understand common pronouns and how and why they are used around the world.

How do I respect LGBT pronouns?

If you’re unsure of someone’s LGBT pronouns, ask them. Do not simply assume the pronouns are male or female based on their appearance/masculine or feminine qualities. Use people’s preferred pronoun -whether it be he, she, they (singular), ze (singular), zie (plural) or neo-pronouns is common sense if you have a mindset of acceptance and openness.

For those unsure, a pronoun is a word that substitutes for a noun or a noun phrase in the sentence structure of an English language form. Pronouns can be classified by person (first-person, second-person, third-person). Third-person pronouns can be those that hurt others, so make sure you understand them!

Pronouns in an LGBTQ+ exclusivity context

First-person LGBT pronouns don’t change. They are still I, me and mine. Second person pronouns in the lgbtq+ context don’t change either. They’re still you and yours.

Third-person pronouns are tricky for some people to understand. They refer to a person you are mentioning during a conversation. You should use the third-person pronoun of that person’s choice. 

We also have neo-pronouns – which sounds like a big word, but the concept is simple if you have acceptance in mind.

What are Neo-pronouns?

Neo-pronouns are LGBT pronouns that can be combined with “he” or “she”. Some such are xe, zi, and co for people who don’t identify as a gender binary. Those in the LGBTQ+ community often use this to represent their identity better.

Some less known neo pronouns are used by people who identify themselves as agender, gender-fluid or neutrois.

Neo pronouns are also used by those in the autistic, asexual and neurodivergent communities to represent their identity better. Some neo pronouns besides xe and si are xem (singular) and zeir or zer (plural).

Neo-pronouns are important because they allow individuals to be represented appropriately. When the individual does not identify with a binary gender, it is inappropriate for someone else to assign them a pronoun without their consent.

Bun and bunself is another pronoun used by a person who does not identify as male or female.

The following is a list of neo-pronouns that one can identify with :

List of LBGT pronouns in a chart
Credit: https://intercultural.uncg.edu/wp-content/uploads/Neopronouns-Explained-UNCG-Intercultural-Engagement.pdf

ze, zir, zer (singular) and zeirs or zers (plural).

xe, xem (born female), xyr; per xis preference

hie/hir-self; per hie/hir own preference

muh-self; per muh own preference.

LGBT pronouns can seem like a lot for people new to inclusive vocabulary and how we speak and respect each other, but it’s not a new concept. People have recognized a third non-gender for centuries.

Are Third-Gender Pronouns New?

No, they aren’t. All around the world, people have used alternate pronouns for centuries, although many people in English speaking countries might not be aware. 

In Mesopotamian mythology, we see the earliest reference of a third gender. For example, the goddess Ninmah was looked at as neither male nor female. 

We also have evidence of “third gender” in Zapotec culture, specifically called muxe. Muxes are biologically male but live as women and often marry other men. They have roots in Mexico and you can read more about them on this fantastic and culturally rich blog wearequeerhere.

In North America, Native American tribes have long recognized gender fluidity with a third gender category: “two-spirit.” The Lakota tribe, for example, has four genders: male, female, feminine male (“winkte”), masculine female (“okanye”). 

The North American Mohawk tribe has three genders: masculine females and feminine males (known as “huhu”) and the third gender of neutrals. Neutrals have a female spirit but may adopt male dress and roles.

Some cultures have even more than three genders: the Bugis from Indonesia recognize five (masculine female or “calabai,” feminine male or “dodola,” androgynous person or “joko jogo”).

The third gender is seen amongst the hijra of India, kathoey in Thailand, and bakla of the Philippines. In the Hijra society in India, the hijras were born considered third sex and traditionally taken on feminine social roles such as dancer or, Jinthe kurgarra (a male who takes on a feminine identity) in the Andaman Islands and the fa’afafine in Samoa. 

In Africa, many tribes use more than two genders. For example, the Khoisan Tribes have four: male, female, hermaphrodite and nurupari (“manhood”). 

Gender-neutral pronouns are not specific to English

Argentina is leading the way for gender-neutral language in Spanish. The movements in the Spanish-speaking world are similar to those of English, with an added focus on sexual orientation and nonbinary genders.

Argentina is using “p/per” for a third gender (“los per”), while Chile has adopted “mxe” (pronounced meh) as its pronoun for non-binary.

Guarani is a language used by Indigenous peoples of South America. It has no specific gender-specific pronouns; however, they have nonbinary gendered ones: Ñande (feminine) or Nde’nde (masculine). 

Xier, xieser, xiem, xien, xies, xiese, xiesem. These are gender-neutral German pronouns that can be used instead of the gendered third-person singular system of sie/er (she/he), ihr/er, die/der. They offer a neutral means to refer to non-binary gender identities or do not prefer assigned female and male pronouns.

The genderless pronoun in Brazilian Portuguese: ou (feminine for “she” or “he”)

The Quechua language of Peru has no gender-specific pronouns.

How can we politely and conclusively ask someone their pronouns?

The biggest problem arising from using correct pronouns is not knowing how to ask someone their pronouns in an inclusive manner. The easiest solution is to ask, “What pronouns do you use?” politely. 

Some people find it easier to offer their pronoun first as a way of easing the process. However, we can also say: “I don’t presume your gender identity based on how I see you or what we have talked about before. What are your pronouns of choice?

As the LGBTQ community continues to grow and evolve, it is crucial that all people feel welcome. In this blog post, we’ve talked about how pronouns can help make your writing more inclusive of everyone in our society. We hope you have learned something new today! 

If you want to learn even more from us about being a queer ally, sign up for our newsletter below so we can keep you updated on what’s going on with lgbtq+ issues. Your email address will not be shared or sold to anyone else–we promise! Or check out our lifestyle blog. Thank you and as always, have a gay day!


Gay dating Stinks, use these tips to stay safe

For gays and bisexuals, gay dating is intimidating, scary, and sometimes deadly. 

In my experience, most gay men are only looking for a quick hookup before moving on to the next tightest hole. Or, they play a symphony on your heartstrings without consideration for your feelings or well-being. 

So, much like sex, gay dating is a massive pain in the ass at first. However, with time (and lots of practice), this becomes easier and less difficult. 

With that said, I’ve decided to write about how you can stay safe on your quest for love. Keep in mind; these are excellent tips to avoid heartbreak and bashing in the digital era of love. 

Tips for Gay Dating and Staying Safe Online

  1. Date people different from you

So, everyone knows that gay people are notoriously superficial. Who hasn’t received hate on Grindr for being too fem, fat, or for not being white? So, if you’re white and reading this, I’m sorry, but some of you can be pretty shady.

I know it is not all of you, but those who aren’t are less inclined to kick up a fuss than those who are. Newsflash, my fellow gays, you’re not alone in this struggle! 

My first tip is to think outside of the box like the good children we all want to be. Be open to different races, political ideologies and challenge the doctrines of conventional attractiveness. It will also increase your horizons and make it easier to find a long-term relationship.

2. Choose suitable dating apps

App stores in today’s world have become riddled with, dare I say it, crap, for choices when choosing a gay dating app to find potential matches.

Grindr is excellent for those interested in hookup culture. However, you can find the occasional sweetheart if you follow my first piece of advice. Tinder, Plenty of Fish, and eharmony are going to be your best bets for finding a long-lasting relationship. 

With that said, you should not limit yourself to the commonwealth prescriptive contexts of choosing a gay dating app based on the uses of most people. If you take this into account, your search for lasting love will be quicker and easier. 

gay dating apps to find love

3. Don’t meet without a virtual greet!

This sounded ludicrous to me when I first heard this. However, after a short video chat before meeting an uber idiot, I can promise you that it will make your meeting safer and weed out the chance of meeting someone who doesn’t give you a good vibe. 

In turn, you will evade frustrating and awkward circumstances in which you sip a coffee while pretending to give a hell about the babble produced from a less than suitable partner. 

As I always say, it’s better to try the milk before buying the cow. Tasting the sweetest milk can make purchasing the cow a more positive and exciting experience. So, drink up, buttercup!

4. Don’t plan far in advance

We’ve all done it, and canceling can make your first meeting a disaster and leave your date questioning your commitment. Be honest with your expectations and availability. If you have no intention of meeting someone, then don’t arrange a meeting with them.

Nobody likes gaslighting, and as we all know, had stinks. So don’t be a stinky fart in the mix of rose bushes meant to pick as potential mates.  It will devalue your reputation and make you seem like a zirconium stone amongst a trove of brilliantly gleaming diamonds.

5. Don’t focus on a beautiful face

It’s no secret that we love a hot guy with a six-pack, perfect teeth, and beautiful eyes, but what point is there in dating someone boring. 

At some point, this will make you want to blow your brains out, or at least become an alcoholic, in an attempt to deal with the lackluster stimulation provided in conversational circumstances. 

Also, it is essential to note that beauty is in the beholder’s eye, and attractiveness will increase over time if you foster your relationship with memorable experiences. 

6. Good sex doesn’t constitute a good relationship

Sex is fantastic. At the end of the day, though, well, it’s still just a shag. Sure, everyone wants to enjoy sex with their partner, and at the beginning of a relationship, this might seem like the most important. However, let’s focus on the previous point in this blog: to think about the long term and your relationship goals. 

Your relationship will have a shelf life of a year maximum if you are only in it for the hot lay. Yeah, it’s something that has been put on a pedestal by the gay community, but look at the number of sad, ostracized, and superficial gays that we all know in some capacity. 

7. Aim low and go high

I cannot think of anything better than going to a restaurant with low expectations and eating a meal that leaves my tastebuds yearning for more. 

I recommend the same for dating. Give it your all while keeping your expectations low, and you will surely leave the opportunity for your date to impress you at hand and easily accessible. 

8. Talk about what matters to you on the first date

This is a no-brainer. When your date starts asking what your sister does for work, you know you are in the friend zone, or worse, you’ll be ghosted when you take off and never hear from him again. 

Making yourself vulnerable is frightening but, just like anything in life, it will pay you with leaps and bounds of joy or at the least keep you from wondering why you aren’t receiving his messages a few days later. 

As a teacher and public speaker, I always think, “how can I make this time memorable for my audience?” I held true to this in my dating experiences and found a husband who can be annoying but doesn’t bore me with uninteresting topics that have no relevance to my life. 

9. Discuss values, not interests

Now, it’s important to explain myself here. It’s crucial to find someone who is engaging and likes the things you enjoy, but you also have comrades who can provide this entertainment. 

People who say you need to have similar interests as your romantic partner are just wrong. Your partner can have different pastimes and enjoy different activities as long as your values and goals are shared.

This is not negotiable in my book, and I recommend embracing this as part of your dating routine if you want success in finding a life partner. 

10.  Throw in the towel as needed

Dating is not a marathon. You will not reach your goal faster by making dating feel like a 40-hour workweek. No lie, date fatigue is absolute, and unlike dieting, it’s not something you want to push through. 

Don’t be afraid to take a rest to build up stamina before jumping back into the deep, deep pool of fish that could be potential partners. 

Once you’re ready, start looking again but always take time to care for yourself first, as anyone can see when you are not caring for yourself.  You can see more tips about the gay lifestyle in our other posts.

Wafting Away the Stench

I hope these tips can help you stay safe on your dating odyssey. Surely they can help your dating experience stink less than needed.

As always, have a gay day!